By CAROL GREEN

Using the insight meditation approach—the broad, all-encompassing view including the altar, birdsong and sounds of traffic on Nebraska Avenue—at the recent FCM Wisdom Retreat, I joined the constant flow of movement, the beauty of impermanence, the reality of being alive. Everything was as it was, and it was beautiful because it was all connected.

Awareness that there was a Watcher Within first surfaced when I was about 14. I didn’t know what it meant or what to do with her. As the decades passed, I allowed her to watch. In the absence of guidance, she turned into a tough judge, especially when she was watching Carol. The stakes were high because it was up to Carol to lead the family to a better way at an early age. Carol made it out and found the open doorway of FCM 13 years ago.

Today, at the Wisdom Retreat, the Watcher Within has received training, has received the name of “Host,” and knows her role is to protect the mind. She still judges and confuses perceptions with reality, but she catches herself and remembers causes and conditions and turns to compassion. 

The meditation period ends, and the incense chant reminds us that progress is “slowly ripening.” Here I am, still “ripening." I have made substantial progress, experiencing impermanence that 13 years ago triggered fear but today triggers open joy and freedom, like taking flight.

But I know there is more to be done. I have experienced a small taste of awakening, and I'm "all in"!

What's out there in the great unknown? Not knowing is an adventure. I feel ready to meet it, whatever “it” is. It could be the next big opening in awareness, the next doorway to coming home. It also could be the next overwhelming obstacle. If so, I will rest in the Three Jewels and meet it face to face. I have been there before and survived. I know I have always been there. 

We are reminded in a Dharma talk that “it” is not a thing. I see that, for me, it is a flow of experiences, evolving minute to minute, in brilliant colors and deep sounds, total life, a stream of awareness that is joyous, filled with wonder and awe. Like looking at a full moon, or a sky full of stars on a clear night. I am alive. Being alive is a miracle. 

Why am I here? I am a participant, but it’s not about me. I’m in this movie, but I’m not the star. Fred says it’s not personal. You can’t pin “me” down and fully describe me, for I am flowing, too. What is this? Is life constant motion? Is it unseen energy that “visits” something that appears to be solid, only to learn it is not solid, either? Where does energy come from? Where does it go? I don’t know, but I can feel it—and wonder. 

I realize, by the act of wondering, if I ask for an answer to my question, I am trying to convert an experience into a “thing.” I have to leave the question unanswered, not knowing, and experience the joy of “just wondering.” Ah, how we humans long for certainty!

The last two nights of the retreat, Fred played music while participants rested on their meditation cushions in silence. Freedom, flight, soaring, life flowing in and out on 38 breaths in an unbroken stream. Nothing to be said. One sangha, one Buddha, one Dharma. 

Carol Green of Naples is a retired newspaper reporter and editor and edits FCM’s newsletter, Mindfulness Matters.