By TONY PASQUALE

During the recent Wisdom Retreat, I found myself reflecting on something Fred said to me about a year ago. I had asked Fred a simple question, and he responded, "Why are you asking?" I told him I was curious. Then he smiled and asked, "What happened to the cat when it was curious?" At the time, I didn't understand what he hinting at. I think I'm beginning to.

One of the things I noticed during the retreat was how there seemed to be more coughing and sneezing than usual. I found myself thinking, "I hope I don't get sick. If people are sick, maybe they shouldn't be here putting 'me' at risk." I needed to be honest with myself. Here I am holding an aspiration for all beings to be free of suffering, yet I was already placing conditions on my role in it. I was willing to help, on my terms.

I noticed the same thing at work. Sometimes I see people adopting Dharma-light ideas or language I've shared, and I can feel a little resistance arise. Part of me thinks, "Why are they stealing my mojo?" Yet if my aspiration is to be of benefit, why should I care how that benefit spreads? Again, I caught the mind making calculations.

Then I thought back to Fred's question. I realized the question itself is just words. It was the thought asking the question that needed deep looking. The same Tony wondering what happens to consciousness at death is the same Tony trying to optimize my 401(k) trajectory. There is no liberation in that strand, just reification in a new costume. 

The biggest thing I brought home from the retreat was honesty. Honest enough to see where I'm still making calculations and quietly negotiating with the teachings.

But here is the deep insight--none of it is personal.

These thoughts, habits, and pre-dispositions have been shaped by the entire cosmos, just like the dinner we ate together. Knowing the entire cosmos helped cultivate my moment to moment snickering at experiences lightens the load, it depersonalizes. 

For a while now, I've known that Tony is subtly at war with aspects of reality. This retreat helped me see that the real crux of the matter is Tony was at war with the Four Preliminaries. I could see how I've chosen my own middle way or negotiated with them.

All of this effort, all of the reading, listening, observing, and practicing, it's for one thing: freedom. Freedom from being pushed and pulled by experience, by every preference, by every calculation of mind. This calculating includes the Dharma itself. If I cling to the teachings, crave progress, or need even wholesome things to manifest a certain way, I've simply built a more respectable cage.

So I end where I started. Curiosity can free, and curiosity can trap. 

Oh, the paradoxes of Dharma! 

Perhaps that's why often times it's better to look deeply rather than think our way through the moment as it arises. 

Tony Pasquale of Palmetto has been a member of FCM for two years.