Seeing the Knot as One Thread at a Time Was Helpful

By ELLEN OBERLIN

From the moment I signed up for the Untying Anger workshop I was thrust into awareness of anger arising.

I was feeling smug about having enrolled myself and my husband, David, in the workshop, thinking I was finally going to get a handle on the anger thing. 

That feeling didn’t last long as I quickly received an email detailing the homework. Homework, my mind reacted?  I felt exhausted just from confronting the issue enough to have signed up for the workshop!

I thought I wouldn't have enough data in the log we were asked to do regarding our anger since it was only two days until the workshop.

Not so, I was surprised at the multitude of opportunities I had to log my annoyance, irritation, frustration and plain anger in so short a time even over insignificant things. It seemed I was on the anger spectrum for long stretches of time. That alone was a big wakeup call.  

I had known this was true, but seeing it in black and white on the log made it undeniable. I could no longer pretend.  

I had managed to not entirely coerce my husband into doing the workshop with me by asking that it be considered my birthday celebration. What better way to have a lasting positive effect on our lives than to gain a framework we could work with together?  He agreed although I didn’t think he would join me since he is not an FCM member.

Once we got to the workshop I felt ill at ease because David was there with me. I noticed worry arising about how his experience would be. Noticing it, I was able to let go because I knew from past experience that I would later find myself having missed the workshop if I didn’t let go.   

Betsy Arizu and Bill MacMillen, the facilitators, were great oceans of calm for me.  They had us work in experiential exercises with someone we didn’t come with at first. What a relief to me, since David and I had been dealing with anger arising, often unskillfully, for over 30 years. We didn’t have to jump right into the deep end.  

The course, designed by Angie Parrish, was well thought out and proceeded methodically to look calmly at the issue of anger.  I wanted to jump right in to “what to do,” so I had the opportunity to practice patience, a vital skill for dealing with anger, from the beginning of the workshop.  

I also felt great support from the other attendees in the workshop. They looked normal, not someone you’d think had an “anger problem,” and I felt my heart opening to our collective courage to confront this challenge head on.  Most spoke quite frankly about the pain they’d suffered surrounding their experiences of anger.  

One thing I won’t forget about this workshop is the slide Betsy showed with a knot of threads enlarged to show that there were distinct threads within. 

That knot is how anger felt in my heart; it really resonated with my experience.  

So, I could relax and trust that this path had a way to sort out the strands and untangle my feelings successfully.  

I won’t attempt a summary but will end instead by expressing my deep gratitude to the entire Sangha for their contribution to me and my husband as we work to engage more skillfully with each other and the world.

Thanks to Ellen Oberlin for sharing her experience in this important workshop!