By MARIA CLAUDIA ESCOBAR

I signed up for the retreat “Cultivating the Courageous Heart” without much thought about the topic or focus as I have found all retreats to be a delicious time away from the pushing and pulling of the world and a welcome silent pause to the chaos. This retreat focused on loving kindness and compassion. 

With the first bit of quieting, I saw that my focus in life is what I am doing to others on the outside of me and how everyone else is affecting me. ALL ABOUT ME. And indeed, my life of late has been consumed with tasks, responsibilities, classes which in the end are all focused on me. Yet, I am a person who thrives in the company of o

thers and loves to bring people together and host wonderful gatherings. I noticed I had veered off a path of building community. 

Throughout the weekend, we embarked on a series of exercises and meditations that helped to stir the heart of compassion for ourselves and others. What became clearly apparent was how easily I feel for others’ suffering and share a kind word or gesture and yet how harshly I speak to and reprimand myself for things great and small. I heard the many judgments I make about myself, constantly trying to push and prod “me” into shape, so that everything will be okay. What those wonderful exercises and meditations revealed is that everything is okay …. I have to be willing to rest my mind and ease into the quiet. There is peace there. 

My meditation experience is often muddled and frustrating. I go through sessions where I have no idea why I am sitting there wasting all this time as my mind races endlessly with just morsels of quiet here and there. I wonder if ever I will bear the fruits of mindfulness if I cannot manage a mere 30 minutes of calm. And so the judgments about me, mediation, Buddhism, Fred --- all of it — carries me away to a land of frustration and futility. 

During this retreat, we had wonderful guided meditations that helped me revive kindness and tenderness for myself. With plenty of time for rest and relaxation, I did find and touch glimpses of peace and quiet that feel wonderfully nourishing. Angie Parrish had mentioned that meditation and mindfulness helps to bring clarity which had never sunk in with me, nor had that been my experience.

However, after the retreat I actually saw a difference in my actual vision. I wear glasses all the time and kept wondering if I was wearing a different prescription. More of the beautiful wide world was gazing back at me through the same glasses. I was just seeing more of what was already there. It was amazing and I finally got it. 

There were no huge revelations, yet I did get a clearness to my heart and being that is tough to describe. There was a steadiness, a solidity without so much noise coming from my mind. I noticed I was much softer and easier with myself. 

For me the takeaways were:

• The outside affects the inside -- Having no cell phone, not reading anything nor listening to anything absolutely helps to quiet the inside. I noticed the pull my cell phone has on me with a constant desire to read or overcome boredom by scrolling. I also struggle with sleep and usually read something before bedtime to reach sleep. During the retreat, I used nothing and slept wonderfully.
• We all want the same thing -- We did a powerful exercise where you look into the eyes of another person without saying a word. The power of connection was overwhelming and it easily brought me to tears. I spend so much of my life judging others that I miss the opportunity to see and feel that they are just like me --- seeking, hoping, loving, suffering, living and dying. This helped me to see our common humanity in mundane interactions and increased my desire to wish others well, even if I have no relationship with them.
• Clarity -- I often struggle to sit on my cushion, given my unsatisfactory experiences. I realized that a constellation of factors will help to bring the clarity that can come with mindfulness and meditation as it did on this retreat:

-- not cluttering my mind with unnecessary information, noise, visual input

-- even though I enjoy reading, being selective can reduce the space that such things take up in my mind

-- it’s okay not to be DOING all the time, give the “to do” list a break, and relax, go to bed early, daydream, walk without a destination

• Spend more time loving myself -- Bring sunshine, flowers and soft puffy white clouds to my inner world, which can be harsh and cold and unrelenting. Express gratitude, appreciation and love to my inner child. Softening the inside is more relaxing, inviting, and energizing.

Angie and David Braasch are wonderful human beings who shared all of who they are to guide us on a path of love and kindness to ourselves and others. Their gifts are immeasurable and their humility is inviting. I am immensely grateful to FCM and Fred’s determination and vision of what is possible. Without such a visionary among us, where would our wandering minds and lives be? The beauty, calm and commitment demonstrated at FCM in every detail is a wonderful inspiration and comfort to me. 

Maria Claudia Escobar lives in downtown Tampa. It took a few years before she signed up for a retreat because she was afraid that the sitting would be unbearably long and strict. “How foolish I was -- losing out on precious time to feel peace and calm and joy within. Now, I jump at the chance,” she says. She has been coming to FCM over the past four years. Her joys include people, arranging flowers, hospitality, the beach, and travel.