By TODD GORE
The recent seven-day Wisdom Retreat left me with significant insights and realizations. An important breakthrough came Tuesday morning, enabling the rest of my progress through the week.
For some time, when in the best state of mind, I've been able to see my mind as a vast open space, which felt very good, very
right. But I was limited because I saw it as “my vast open space” and would often
struggle trying to find it. Just a couple of perfectly timed words from Fred caused me to see the space of mind as no different than the space all around us, making it continuously obvious and giving me much clearer awareness and a feeling of non-duality and oneness.
The concept of not-self is one I've understood intellectually for several years but struggled with taking beyond a concept, noticing that the ego was gone when I was in the most mindful state, but not able to necessarily bring about that state. During the retreat I looked deeply for this thing I considered "self," and as has happened in the past I could not find it, but still felt its presence.
At several points I felt as if the "self" was fighting back, almost like it was in self-preservation mode, presenting arguments to help it retain its preeminence over my life. Without chasing after these arguments, I could see them as both not real and not valid, as if their purpose was just to plant seeds of doubt.
Continuing to look deeply, I became aware of what this "self" was not and this helped me to finally see it for what it is. I could see clearly that the "self" is not needed for the things that are really important -- for example, for memory, or to retain skills, or to feel joy, or to appreciate beauty, or to love, or to feel compassion. This led me to a deep insight and understanding that the "self" I've been identifying with is just a character that I made up. I could see it as this imaginary person that I've been adding on to since I was a child. It was very clear and felt very freeing.
The second insight came as I was feeling very awake and present during the early session on Thursday, with a strong sense of joy doing walking meditation with my brothers and sisters in the sangha. Fred came in and quietly instructed us to let go of the duality by seeing it as "just walking," not "I am walking."
This had an almost immediate impact as it built on the newly clarified view of the space of mind and the new understanding of “I.” I don't remember any of the specific words that Fred spoke after walking meditation. I just remember feeling what was being shared and it continuing to build inside. I don't have the words to explain with any detail what I experienced at that point. While feeling like I was really understanding the core nature of mind, of reality, the words that shouted excitedly in my mind were:“Everything Just Is.” This felt like all I needed to know. I felt tears running down my face and tiny tremors tingling throughout the body.
Shortly after that, a second realization overtook me with the same force as the first. Again, words do not fully explain the understanding of what shouted excitedly in my mind: “I do not exist.” But the meaning could not have been more clear. More tears, more joyful tremors. At the end of the session I went outside and walked by the pond, just being with the feeling. Eventually the physical reactions calmed down and I went back in as breakfast was finishing. I see these experiences as creating a wonderful new starting point to transformation through my life practice.
Todd Gore retired from IT work in 2016 and lives in Clermont with his wife, two dogs, and a cat. Upon hearing about mindfulness eight or nine years ago, he started reading about it and took some basic online classes. Eventually, he realized that self-study would not get him to where he would like to be and in 2021, he joined FCM.
